"Drowning"

" It stops hurting,

When you get used to pain.

You stop feeling,

'cause there is neither loss nor gain.

You forget to smile,

When nightmares are the only thing you remember.

It's been a while,

I feel like my sky is turning grayer.

Too many words,

And so little courage;

I am much more jealous of the birds,

Who aren't inside the cage.

I want to break free,

But this heart is so scared;

I wonder if I'll ever find glee,

And ever be loved and cared.

It's like I'm drowning in my own emotions,

And just fading away from people.

Call it stress, drama or depression,

But, I know that things are just going to be more awful.  "

- Chocolate Lover

( Blogs at 'A Naive Beneath The Stars'. This isn't a guest post, I am just sharing this over here because it is too beautiful, simply put :] )

XoXo,

Ni.

Sometimes ..

Sometimes I wish it wouldn't have happened at all.

Sometimes I wish there had been nothing to jump for.

Sometimes I wish there had been no first call,

that you and I never got attracted, that we'd never fall.

It's not like I enjoy hurting you.

But I just did what I think I had to.

I'm stuck between not caring & feeling horribly guilty.

I don't know ..

XoXo,

Ni.

She's Dying.

[This was my entry post on Darlings Of Venus (DOV). And we can repost on the weekends, so here it is! :D ]

She's tired of the lies she's heard all of them say,

She's lost, she just cannot find a way.

She's seen them all smiling when she was smiling too,

And then they spoke their mean words, turned their backs

When her life was going off the track..

She learnt the hard way, that nothing and nobody are permanent.

That sometimes life gives you a rude shock,

It calls for your tears, your pain, it drives you insane.

But now she knows who will be there for her, and who all wont.

Now she's aware of the sink holes in her life.

Her mood is down in the trash, in the bin,

She's sick of feeling that way within.

She's this close to giving in.

If you know what to do, help her.

Because she is trying, but she knows she is failing. 

She's broken on the inside, and she is dying!

Ignore the English please! :P

I'd written this when I was 13, 4 years ago. Hope you liked it?

XoXo,

Ni.

You Were My Friend.

Once a friend, our talks knew no end,

Now even a forward, I hesitate to send.

You preach to me, who gives you the right?
We spoke after months, and all you do is fight!

Your harsh words, they cut at me. I am but myself, how I've always been.
I don't know why you can't see ..

You asked me, I opened up to you, 

I told what was happening, real, true.
But you went and judged me for that?

Judged me for being upset?

It's not like I was sulking over some candy that I didn't get.

You didn't have to see yet another grandparent wither away right in front of you,

If you saw and did all that I did,

You too, would try and cover it with a lid.

Telling people you know what they're going through, 

Telling them what to do instead, is easy too!

All I needed was you to listen to me, to comfort me.
All I needed was for you to be a good friend, to just BE THERE for me.
Sigh.

You were my friend .. Or were you ever?

XoXo,

Ni.

Double Standards - Soak No More.

She doesn't want a man, she wants to remain free,

Why don't we respect her decision and let her be?

Being a bachelor is "cool" , stereo-typically a chilled out, laidback guy,

But when it comes to being a spinster, we frown, WHY?

Unmarried guy, living with his parents, 30 years, he had no job,

A few eyebrows are raised, but that's all!

Unmarried female and the gossip mills start to churn,

Despite the fact that she works her butt off, helps her parents and earns.

Social institutions or restraints?

Life guides or bonded chains?

Choice is a choice, his or hers.

Unless you accept it, you just promote the belief that being a female is a curse!

Look at everyone with eyes wide open and clear,

Whether or not, to you, they are dear.

Soak No More!

This is my entry for the 'Soak No More' contest on Indiblogger. For me, when I first read those words, I thought of all those crappy things I'd like to banish once and for all (and no, I mean it, in a non fake politician-y kind of way :P), and this is one of things I felt was pertaining to the topic from my perspective :]

XoXo,

Ni.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

" Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft star-shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die."

Mary Frye, who had never written any poetry, but the plight of a young German Jewish woman, Margaret Schwarzkopf, who was staying with her and her husband, inspired the poem. She wrote it down on a brown paper shopping bag. 

Margaret Schwarzkopf had been concerned about her mother, who was ill in Germany, but she had been warned not to return home because of increasing anti-Semitic unrest. When her mother died, the heartbroken young woman told Frye that she never had the chance to “stand by my mother’s grave and shed a tear”. Frye found herself composing a piece of verse on a brown paper shopping bag. Later she said that the words “just came to her” and expressed what she felt about life and death.

The poem was introduced to many in Britain when it was read by the father of a soldier killed by a bomb in Northern Ireland. The soldier's father read the poem on BBC radio in 1995 in remembrance of his son, having been left it in an envelope addressed 'To all my loved ones' in his personal effects. 

What beauty! Sometimes such people come out of relatively nowhere and remind us why we are called humans. Humane. Creative. Super intelligent.

And the context, the words used, the feelings conveyed in the poem, I don't even have to say anything. 

Gobsmacked.

XoXo,

Ni.

Will You Love Me Again?

Read it. And read it again. And again.

Now tell me, will you love again?

XoXo,

Ni.

Sometimes I Do Things .. Sometimes I Don't!

" Sometimes i take a Shower

with the lights off.

but before i even finish showering, i turn the lights back On,

because i remember how afraid of the dark i am.

sometimes i go to the Airport

and just sit in there for a few hours.

because i like watching people Reunite.

sometimes i cut my Fingernails way too short.

like, down to the quicks.

because it’s an odd feeling, the way my fingertips Hurt

every time i touch something.

sometimes i go out in public without my Shoes,

because i like feeling the Real ground,

not just the inside of my shoes.

sometimes i re-arrange my Bedroom,

but then i change it right back 

because everyone knows that there isn’t a single person 

in the world that isn’t afraid of Change.

sometimes i try reading books Upside-down

because i think thats what it would be like if i couldn’t

Read 

at all.

sometimes i just sit and watch the Grass grow,

because we’re lucky that it even grows in the First 

place.

sometimes i do things.

sometimes i don’t. "

by

Jamie.

I read this lovely poem, and just like the last one, thought to share this one up here! :]

XoXo,
Ni.

(Comments Are Disabled.)

Love Me All The Way.

" Stop showing 

You love me

A little at a time.

Stop saying

You care

Bit by bit.

Stop keeping

Me here

For tiny pieces of time.

Because I need 

All of you

Not piece by piece.

I love

All of you

Not just some parts of you.

So love all of me

All the way

All the time.

Or let all of me go

All at once

For good. "

by

Katrina Wendt  

She also blogs at http://vergeoflove.com.

I read this once, then read it over and over again. It's so short and simple but drives the point home so amazingly. That's the reason why I shared it over here. 

XoXo,

Ni.

"Beautiful"

" Beautiful I am

That's what you always say

Your arms a shield of armor

When you're holding me this way

Yet a part of me dies every time

I hear those words you recite

Why can't you see

How broken I am inside

Beautiful you say, the blood only proves you wrong

There's just so much that time can not heal

The scars they say it all

Must I be so damned to feel

So many battles we've fought, so many battles we've lost

That's the price you pay for holding on so long

Our hearts ignoring the costs

But never quite defeating the odds

Rock bottom has brought me closer to the edge

In time your memories will fade and I know you will see

The biggest regret, the greatest mistake

You ever made was loving me

Someday I promise

You'll find someone new

Love this blood upon my hands

It's all for you

Beautiful I am

That's what you always say

Still a part of me dies, every time

You hold me this way "

I love this. In some way, I connect to this. The way she has described the brokenness of it all, WOW.

This is an extremely extremely beautiful poem written here by Crystal. You can go check out her poems and works of fiction at 'The Heart Of A Writer'.

Destruction.

The night sky beckons, darkness calls,

Lost & lonely, a single tear falls,

Hope long abandoned.

Rusty and broken, teeth chatter,

Nobody listens anymore, coz I don't matter.

Deserted faith.

Searching for answers, discovering a dark secret,

Shock sets in, tears turn the pillow wet.

Discarded beliefs.

Feeling wrong, not wanting to accept the right,

Blazing arguments, dreadful fights.

Discarded self esteem.

Staring into empty space, a hundred cups of caffeine,

Obscured reality, not knowing what you mean.

Wasted time.

Hideous wounds, a charred heart,

Bitter thoughts, mind torn apart.

Destruction.

XoXo,

Ni.

Stay.

Would you stay if I ask you to?

Would you care if I tell you I love you?

Don't leave me hanging in here.

Don't leave me at all.

I need you close to me, need you near ..

Miss the train. Pull me close.

Hug me tight. Kiss my nose.

This is like a continuation to my previous poem 'Goodbye'.

XoXo,

Ni.

P.S : My main blog 'Tales of and by her' completes one year on the 1st of July. Drop by sometime :]

I let them have their way with me..

Helpless, I let them have their way with me.. My heart bursts in pain.

My fists are clenched. Trying but I cannot stop them.

Moistening my cheeks, burning me on their way down.

Tears.

XoXo,

Ni.

As rain and sweat become one.

Tanned, umbrella holding bodies, as clouds make love to the sun,

Look up at the sky, as rain and sweat become one.

Jump into the lake,

Discarding your clothes along with the worries, let the tension be a thing of the past.

Enjoy the glorious rainbow, for as long as it lasts!

The rains sweep off the dirt, the heat and the slime.

The winds whistle through your windows, the weather outside, sublime.

The sun suddenly shines through, the clouds make way for the gold,

Filter negativity out of yourself, 

Inside each one of us, is a person beautiful, confident and bold.

Be ridiculously random, throw invisible skittles in the air!

Go for something you always wanted, but never did.. 

Join a dance class, maybe go cut your hair!

The weather influencing your mood,

The shining sun makes you smile.

Wet spells and cracks of thunder, make you yearn for yummy food.

Make pakoras and steaming hot chocolate, 

Slurp it up while it's warm,

Read a book, or get pink highlights, do not always fade into the norm.

A plethora of colors adorn the sky,

The splendidly amazing rainbow shines,

Tanned, umbrella holding bodies, as clouds make love to the sun,

Look up at the sky, as rain and sweat become one.

XoXo,

Ni.

Do It My Way.

I am not going to give up, because I still want to try.
I'm not going to wipe my face, and fake a laugh when I still want to cry.
I am not going to say yes,I understand, when I simply don't.
I am not going to tell you I will do it, when I know I wont.

I am not going to say I got it, when I still want to know.

I am not going to lie, and say that I don't cry.
I'm not going to say I don't care, and be unfair.
I'm not going to scream and then ask you to keep it low.
And I'm never going to say that I'm over someone, when I can't let them go...

XoXo,

Ni.

I'd Rather Die.

[This is a poem I'd written reading some book,I don't remember now,but yeah. Enjoy!]

You said that you had had enough, and that you couldn't stand any more drama.
Basically, any of my stuff.
I realized it quite late, that you were out there, waiting in the rain, and now I'm swept with guilt.
I'm going insane.

Tell me you're going to give me a do-over. Tell me you're going to forgive me.
Coz I'd rather die, than hear that we weren't just meant to be.

I thought you were too serious, Didn't realize I was seeing it through my extremely sheltered eyes.
Now I understand that you were just being cautious and wise.
You taught me to be responsible, while all I did was accuse you of being drab and dull.

Tell me you're going to give me a do-over. Tell me you're going to forgive me.
Coz I'd rather die, than hear that we weren't just meant to be.

And now I can't sleep, I'm brimming with self hatred and regret.
And I am afraid you're going to forget.
Please don't do that to me?
I want need you back, the old us, the old we.
So I'm sending you a letter, with my heart in.
Please look beyond the mess that is me, understand what's within.

Tell me you're going to give me a do-over. Tell me you're going to forgive me.
Coz I'd rather die, than hear that we weren't just meant to be.

Yes,I'd rather die, than hear you say this.
So come on over and prove it wrong.
Sometimes things do work out, with a magical kiss.

I'm no longer the child, that I was before.
I know you were the reason my career rose and soar.
So just tell me quick, that you forgive me.
Because I'd rather die, than hear, that we aren't meant to be, just aren't meant to be...

XoXo,

Ni.

She Must Be Something!

Get over him.. Let him go.. 

You'll heal, but slow. First, you have got to let him go.
Don't call her a bitch. She must be something,

Coz she's the one he wants to be with!

XoXo,

Ni.

A Lot Of Fun In The Sun!

Beneath the golden sun, and the beautiful blue sky,

Basking in warmth, under this umbrella, I lie.

Families playing tag, and children build a sand castle.

I lay on the mat carefree, as skin care is no longer a hassle!

Slathering the sun expert, smoothing it over my exposed skin,

I sip a cool martini and step out from the shade, from now on, no worrying!

Kyra and me, we beat the summer sun, hang around in shorts, chill out and have fun.

We go swimming and diving, even in the hotel pool, 

No longer afraid of sun damage, we try out everything that seems cool!

Sun burns and skin damage, things of  the past.

We wear Lakme Sun Expert and enjoy as it lasts.

We go on long bike rides, show off our pretty tans,

We enjoy at night too, clinking cold cans.

Let's play in the park, go for a trek,

Let's do all the fun things we have always wanted, now that our skin won't be wrecked!

Wear chappals and roam carefree without ugly tan lines,

Now that we have Lakme, no need to apply bowls of curd or limes!

---------------------------------------------------------------

We take morning strolls, lie our backs against the dewy green grass, Kyra and me.

We go swimming and splash water on others, jumping from the diving board.

Shorts and tees, the smell of rich,ripe mangoes everywhere, IPL and vacation, you can literally feel your spirit soar!

Ice lollies and chilled cans, a faint beat pulses in the air, like an indistinct buzzing in our ears that declares,

SUMMER IS HERE!

We wear the clothes we want, not shying from the sun, we go everywhere we want, frolicking and having fun =D

My post for The Lakme Diva Blogger Contest! Check out their Facebook Page [http://www.facebook.com/ilovelakme]

XoXo,

Ni.

Daughters Aren't Evil.

Just out of her mother's womb, You kill the poor soul, bury her under a tomb.

"She's a girl", you say, of what use can she be? "Let's try for a son now, shall we?".

For 9 months, she carried her princess, you snatch the gift and destroy it within no time.

You don't understand her pain, how would you, unless you accept females are not all dirt and slime.

"You will soon have a baby girl" the doctor said, your wife squealed in glee! Putting on a fake smile, you acted happy, whereas inside you were as seething as can be.

* Of what use is a girl child? What would she give us in return?

She'll get married and go away, after we paid for all these years of fun?

I want a male boy, a heir I can trust my everything with,

The Gods will punish me for this? Ha! That's just a myth.

* I wake up, dazed and lost, what am I doing on this bed?

Why is every part of me aching? The last thing I remember, is what the doctors said.
My kidney was weak, and they wanted to check,
I never knew, my life they'd wreck.
They drugged me and cheated me, severing the life growing within.
How,how do I convince them that a girl child is not a sin?

Foeticide, infanticide, aside from dowry and rape.
So many social evils. How much can a woman take?

Women empowerment, women education, the people all demand.
No one cares enough to look for these people, to punish the guilty, to first solve the issues at hand.

 

[ This was a poem written on female foeticide and infanticide given to me by a blogger on the IndiBlogger forum. If you are a member of IndiBlogger, look for Challenge for Blog in the forum to receive and give challenges! ]

XoXo,
Ni.

I Give Up.

I've come such a long way.. And I'm giving it all up today.

They said that I wasted time crying on him.
They may be right, they may be wrong.
All I know is I'm no longer that strong,
To take heartbreak over & over again, Coz I'm already going insane.

I don't know why I suddenly feel this way,
But I just am giving it all up today.

I can't keep daydreaming all the time,
Thinking of one day when I'll call you mine.
Because I already have so many things to worry about,
Such a mess, I want to shout!

I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling this way,
But I am giving it all up today.
I'm just putting all thoughts of you and us, away.

In the start, I dreamt a lot about you.
And I kept wishing all that would come true.
But now that I know it wont,
I'm giving it all up today.

XoXo,

Ni.

Reminiscing ~

(Just a little something I wrote while playing Innocence by Taylor Swift on loop. Heavily Inspired)

Baby Me :')

Wasn't it better when the hardest thing to do was to recite ABC?

When only the good in you, people used to see?

 Somewhere down the road, you've sold your innocence,

You've grown wary,

Now a days, suspicion and cynicism is all you sense.

Wasn't it easier when the hardest thing to do was tie your shoelaces?

When you'd be always surrounded by smiling, beaming faces? You had faith in everyone and everything,

People truly believed in you,

You felt good, you knew you could be and do anything.
Wasn't it better when the hardest thing to do was to drink milk without spilling a lot?
When 'let-me-play-for-longer' was the only thing for which you fought?
You were put to bed early at night, you slept peacefully, without a care of the world,
When you giggled and found immense joy when your daddy picked you up in his arms and swirled!
Wasn't it easier when all you needed to learn was that 1 was followed is 2?

When all your general knowledge contained was that dogs bark, and cows moo?
You could crawl into a huge bed, parents tucked you in, kissing you goodnight,

You didn't know about evil, your world was purely white.
Wasn't it better when you only cried for more food or because of a scraped knee?
When your schedule and to-do contained only eat, sleep and pee? (xDDD)

x----------x 

" Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days? Always a bigger bed to crawl into.

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, And everybody believed in you? 

Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days? When everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you. Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep

Before the monsters caught up to you? " - Taylor

XoXo,
N.

She's My Love

She's My Love

(21/4/2010) 

Her mahogany glossy curly, They arouse me in every way.

Love the way she molds her body against mine, day after day.

Her eyes twinkle in mischief, and I wonder what is up,

She curls up beside me, with her caffeine cup.

Her collarbone entices me, intoxicating, like her.

I've never felt such adoration and attraction towards anyone, ever.

When we're drinking wine, and it starts to reach her head,

A pink flush spreads on her face.

It is so much fun to spend time with her then,

Even though she doesn't remember what she says.

Together for ever and after, We took vows,

Our fairytale has just started now.

We'll grow old together, the way we're meant to be,

With sticks in hand, still enjoying, walking near the sea.

XoXo,
Ni.

Goodbye.

The tear in that eye as you say goodbye, makes me wonder why, why for you do I cry?

Those times we spent together, we spoke such a lot,
Those were the times we teased each other, we had a blast, we also fought.

We were together for such a long time, we expressed everything that we wanted to say,
Then why, why do I feel something is unsaid, today as you go your own way?

Why do I feel so much pain if you mean nothing to me? Why when you turn to walk away, I can't bear to see?
Why is it only today, that I realize how much you mean? What did I see in those eyes today, that I have never before seen?

"Please don't go!" cries my heart, but my mind puts down its foot, no. Why do you want to stop him when to his success and joy he does go?

"His happiness lies not there, but here" cries my heart, But that I realize today, today, as he decides to depart.

His train has left. Now what am I to do?
I wish he were here right now. Saying. "I want you to come too."
And then finally, all my dreams would come true.

XoXo,
Ni.

Trust

I'm sick and tired of you.
Of not knowing what you say is fabricated or true.
You have broken my trust, over and over and over again.
To you, does this all seem just some game?

I loved you with all my heart, blushed each time you looked at me,
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this outcome.
I never thought you'd leave me.

Vacation seemed a lot of fun, but all these mind games piss me off.
Feel like crawling and crying in the dark.
You've hurt me over and over and over again.
To you, does this all seem just some game?

So hard the pain stung me,
I almost refused to believe the truth,
Believed me and you were still 'us', still 'we'.

How could you turn so mean?
What happened to us? To you?
But now you're enjoying with her, while I sit here moping like a fool.

Can't say I'm truly over you, 

Coz I still dream of us, 

I still think there is some good left hidden in you.
But they all tell me, that behind those sardonic grins and masked eyes,
You're still rolling the dice!

XoXo,

Ni.

I'm Losing You!

I'M LOSING YOU!

 

Every single time you behave this way,
You leave me with nothing to say.
Now the good memories have been reduced to just a few,
I feel like I'm losing you .. And I don't want to!

I love you and I know you do, too.
Then what' got you acting the way you are?
It's like yesterday you were with me, now you've gone away someplace far.
I feel like I'm losing you .. And I don't want to!

The misunderstandings, they keep piling up.
I say something, you misinterpret and take it to your heart,
Suddenly we have begun to drift apart.
I feel like I'm losing you .. And I don't want to!

Do you not love me anymore? Are you starting to hate me and all that I do?
You've got me so confused, Just tell me what is going on!

I'm searching for answers, but you won't reply,
Tell me the truth. Was this whole thing a lie?
Coz I believe you, when you say you love me, I know it's true.
So why are you acting this way?
You leave me with nothing to say.
I'm losing you .. And I don't want to!

XoXo,

Ni.

Infatuation ??

INFATUATION

I'm sitting by the sill,
I'm trying to get this one sum right,
I'm trying so hard but still ..

Your mesmerizing eyes, your smile,
You've got me so distracted, I almost dropped my file!

I am trying to study, but you've made it so impossible for me to concentrate.

Takes me double the time to do work, coz I'm thinking of you, staying up till late.

Boy, is this just infatuation?
I love you so much. Do you need a demonstration?
Do I have your confirmation?

Maybe you're right, but I think you're wrong.
Just so you know, you're the one who keeps me going.
The one who is helping me stay strong.

Boy, is this just infatuation?
I love you so much. Do you need a demonstration?
Do I have your confirmation?

XoXo,

Ni.

Nightmare

[I know, I know, I've been ignoring this blog baby of mine for just too long!

Since I am not really in a space of mind to put down my current feelings onto paper as poetry, I'm going to type the poems I've written in the past, I started writing in 8th grade, so it's been 5 years now. Enjoy xx]

NIGHTMARE

(Written on 30/07/2009)

Another end, the stars gleam,
I lie there exhausted, but I can't get a single dream.

I can't escape the pain, Sears through me all night.
I keep trudging on and forward, nothing specific in sight.

His grin used to make my day, made me feel at ease even when I was a screwed up case.
His face haunts me, my palms begin to sweat, fear clearly etched onto my face.

My throat is parched, sweat glistens, my fists harden, pulse quickens.

The pillows are wet each morning, are those my tears? Or sweat? I can't tell,
And I go through the whole thing again, haunted by his deep dark eyes, his strong voice, his crushing hugs,his smell ....

I must've been,umm around 14 when I wrote this. I'm happy =D

XoXo,

Ni.

That Girl

I'm that girl with the loudest laugh, sometimes it is embarrassing,

When I'm deliriously happy, I randomly start to sing.

The one who looks at all her pretty friends and feels inadequate.

I'm that girl who looks at the mirror trying to find something worth being happy about,

who silently cries, breaks down when you shout.

I'm that girl who won't question your intentions,

who'll keep trusting you, unaware that you were in only for fun.

I'm that girl who may build opinions pretty fast,  but I never hesitate to change them.

I'm that girl, awkward, sitting alone,

The one, while you all are already interacting,  is staring blankly at her phone.

 I'm that girl who really wants to tell you how she feels,

Who is scared those feelings may somehow hurt you, so she keeps her lips sealed.

I'm that girl who listens to songs and writes down stuff to avoid goin crazy,

Who maintains a diary, doesn't want those good memories to turn hazy.

I'm that girl who gets goosebumps, smiles and cries her heart out listen to a T.Swift song,

Because her songs say what I'd want to say,

In the best possible way.

I'm all this. And much much, much more!! Sometimes a bore. Even an eye-sore.

I'm that girl.

P.S : I had written this in a state of crying+pissed. But then you know what they say about crying, anger and truth ;)

XoXo,

N.